When Molly was sick, there were several days when it seriously looked like we were going to have to make that final decision. We were already several thousand into her care at the kitty E.R. and knew we needed to be on the same page about when we wouldn't put her through any more trauma. For Molly, it was cut and dried; if we learned her illness was caused by cancer, we were going to let her go and if it was something we could fix with a little medicine, a dietary change, and love, we would keep going.
Now Apollo, who is 18, is starting to show his age. He's been on a prescription kidney diet for a few years now and it has been challenging getting him to eat it. Until recently, I had been mixing it with Friskies canned food. At his most recent veterinary check up to monitor his kidney values, his numbers were way up. He's been vomiting and the vet is concerned that he might be dehydrated. When he's not hydrated, he doesn't want to eat and the prescription food isn't getting into his system. So essentially, his kidneys are processing toxins right back into his blood stream.
So now he is getting intravenous fluids three times a week. Which I have to administer. This is not fun. With 1 1/2 inch needles, I have to poke through the extra skin above his shoulders and pump in 100ml from an IV bag like you find at any hospital. Pump is probably not quite the word...it's more like a fast drip. Twice I have accidentally poked back out and had fluid all over the floor. All the while, he sits there and takes it. We have 18 years of trust built up and while he doesn't like it, I think he understands it's necessary.
For the first time, the vet used the term chronic kidney failure. I'd never quite looked at his condition with such finality before. Obviously, this is what will eventually take him from me. Kidney failure. Why I had never connected the dots is beyond me...well, maybe I just didn't want to see. But it begs the question again -- where do you draw the line? When is it too much. It's near impossible to tell when cats are hurting because they are so good at hiding their pains. How do I know when he's just had enough? When does the help cease to be helpful?
I've watched people go to great lengths to keep pets alive when it was obvious to me that the animal was far more miserable than the owner was willing to see. Please, Lord, let me be strong enough to see when they have had enough. Please let me recognize when my efforts to help are no longer helping. Help me be strong enough to know when to let go.
